Archive | December, 2011

The Last………….

25 Dec

My sons dont understand……….they dont know of the heartache of being the LAST sibling.  At one time I belonged to a family of five for a short time, then it turned to four, three, two and now I am the last woman standing.  You see my sister suddently died in her sleep on Monday, December 19…..my grief knows no bounds.  She was a special woman…..a teacher……compassionate to the max, loving to everyone…….always the smile on her face and never bad words were uttered ….a uniter…..a doer and goer…..and a mensch.  She was not only my sister but my best friend and I will miss her all the rest of the days of my life. 

So now I am alone sort of……still have my husband , my sons and  their wives; nephews and nieces and all the rest of the mispacha but I dont anymore have any direct link from my parents.  I guess that is the way of things though……….everyone at sometime gets to be the last.

 

 

 

the heart knows broken grief

5 Dec

Here it is December already and the 5th at that but I feel like it is the movie “Groundhogs Day.”  That day of  Thursday November 3 keeps coming back again and again and strikes at will – I am sure this is what returning vets from Iraq and Afghanistan go through every day – the replaying in their heads OVER AND OVER AND OVER again.  Still do not want to believe that my beloved kitty is gone for a month……….A MONTH!  The scene preceding and at the vet is ever-present in my mind’s eye.  I keep saying to myself that Stuffy L. is/was just a cat but somehow that doesnt help the grief that comes out of now where.  Long ago after my parents met their ancestors I read all the books on death and dying by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and understand the steps in grief that one must pass through to be whole once again.  Even with a beloved and old family pet it takes time to adjust.  The adjustment period, so far for me,  is that  you have to relearn how to come into your house because now it doesnt have to be gingerly to catch an escapee, you have to discover you dont have to provide food needs upon entering your house even though nature is desparately calling, you need to rediscover  the jarring sound of the alarm when it is morning and most of all the jarring silence in the house because there is any “murphing” (Stuffy L. talk). What I do miss is the snuggle boy lying right next to me or on top of my back while sleeping. All this to shall pass and we will say with laughter all the funny things he use to do…..but for now the heart knows broken grief.