The end of a story…..

29 Feb

Recently I had a DUH moment, I was up at 4AM sitting in my pajama’s eating my breakfast and watching an episode of Being Human on BBC America. One of the main protagonists is dying and you see his spirit leave his body. When his spirit leaves you see him turn to his friend who is crying over his body and say “don’t cry for me this is the end of my story.”  This is when I knew that I got it wrong and everyone has a story to tell through their actions, choices and the life they choose to lead.  Could it be as simple as that, when you finish your story and it is complete, your jobs done then you go? Yes, some of us go way too soon but what is before your time? Is it at two days?  67?  59? 65? 64? I do believe that when your life is unfolded and you have done the work you have set out to do then you return. Fair it probably isn’t but I am thinking that is how it works.  After much pondering, the moral of this epic we call life is to be the best you can be in this loaned shell we call a body…..don’t forget to live and make a life, love the people who mean something to you, give back, be kind to others and enjoy this earth’s bounties and laugh, just laugh.

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Remediation

22 Feb

In the dictionary remediation means: process of improving a situation or correcting a problem

Well how I see it life gives you options. One option is to give in to your problem have a negative outlook and just hate life, everything in it including even yourself.  The other option is to make your life the blessing it could be. It is choices in this life that make your life truly a blessing!

My niece recently put on Facebook how she was spared the ravages of a stroke in her brainstem and could not understand why she was spared. My brother, her father, had strokes in the same place that left him with not the advantages that beheld her.  He had the classic guise of a stroke victim…the limp, sometimes cane use, different speech and a more steady equilibrium of his emotions. The difference between him and her is that he choose to quietly deal with his situation while my niece  is a vocal activist of sorts. She blazes and burns brightly how lucky she is and uses today’s media of songs, phrases and the like to get her point across about life. Her body exemplifies her life’s journey through the art media of tattoos; a tattoo for Dad, a tattoo for her son, a tattoo for stroke victims and on and on and on.  Unorthodox way to show remediation but for her the body art she so proudly displays is a sign for all to see that she is here, alive and happy to make her life a blessing through the beauty of not canvas art but of body art.  Some people have charm bracelets to signify the important aspects of their life. She uses her body as life affirming art………remediation for her and everyone else who cares to take a look. 

 

The Sixth

3 Feb

 I just turned sixty.

In the weeks that have passed since my birthday or entrance day as a friend wrote me, I have had a lot of time to think and what I have been pondering about is the skills regarding our relationships.  I often hear life isn’t fair but that certainly is not the truth. We all come here on an even playing field. True that some are born into more advantageous surroundings but that does not mean you have the upper hand in life. It is how you construct relationships either familial, social or professional that constitutes who you are. Some have great familial relationships, some have crappy familial but great social and professional, and a blessed few have it all.  For me, it seems that another element of being a social being is how you feel about yourself and your confidence in dealing with others and your world around you.  If you feel good about yourself anything can be accomplished with hard work and perseverance. I believe that the hardest relationships to keep are of the family. Social and professional interactions ebb and flow over the course of ones life but the familial unit stays almost the same.  Births, deaths, anniversaries, etc are the mainstay and so are the arguments and fights, jealousies and whatnot.  It takes that four letter words WORK to upkeep these relationships. In today’s world I wonder how many people really want to employ the mental strength it takes to repair these broken associations. I am always amazed how many of us have irretrievably broken with someone who at one time was close. In the sixth, wisdom does certainly come with this age but the strength and fortitude to fix past broken connections is daunting, to say the least.

A Time Reflection

19 Jan

Exactly a month has elapsed since my sister Risa passed away in her sleep and this has been a time for thought. A month…..thirty days……1/12 of a year.  Our family was going on with their regular business on December 18 never thinking that in just twenty four hours our lives would be altered in such a way that would be incredibly infathomable.  Even now as I write this and reflect on that morning of the 19th of December, it still to me is like a dream.  I got up, went on my computer, made coffee and then sat down to watch the stock market pre opening news…..then that devasting call on my cell by my nephew.  You see this was not to supposed to happen…..we had plans….. immediate plans…New Years together and then marching into January my birthday and phone talks every day and future plans of  trips, celebrations and getting old together….the four of us.  The  new reality however now is something quite different……now it is a time reflection…a time to think about Risa and how she was a blessing walking around in everyday life.

The Last………….

25 Dec

My sons dont understand……….they dont know of the heartache of being the LAST sibling.  At one time I belonged to a family of five for a short time, then it turned to four, three, two and now I am the last woman standing.  You see my sister suddently died in her sleep on Monday, December 19…..my grief knows no bounds.  She was a special woman…..a teacher……compassionate to the max, loving to everyone…….always the smile on her face and never bad words were uttered ….a uniter…..a doer and goer…..and a mensch.  She was not only my sister but my best friend and I will miss her all the rest of the days of my life. 

So now I am alone sort of……still have my husband , my sons and  their wives; nephews and nieces and all the rest of the mispacha but I dont anymore have any direct link from my parents.  I guess that is the way of things though……….everyone at sometime gets to be the last.

 

 

 

the heart knows broken grief

5 Dec

Here it is December already and the 5th at that but I feel like it is the movie “Groundhogs Day.”  That day of  Thursday November 3 keeps coming back again and again and strikes at will – I am sure this is what returning vets from Iraq and Afghanistan go through every day – the replaying in their heads OVER AND OVER AND OVER again.  Still do not want to believe that my beloved kitty is gone for a month……….A MONTH!  The scene preceding and at the vet is ever-present in my mind’s eye.  I keep saying to myself that Stuffy L. is/was just a cat but somehow that doesnt help the grief that comes out of now where.  Long ago after my parents met their ancestors I read all the books on death and dying by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and understand the steps in grief that one must pass through to be whole once again.  Even with a beloved and old family pet it takes time to adjust.  The adjustment period, so far for me,  is that  you have to relearn how to come into your house because now it doesnt have to be gingerly to catch an escapee, you have to discover you dont have to provide food needs upon entering your house even though nature is desparately calling, you need to rediscover  the jarring sound of the alarm when it is morning and most of all the jarring silence in the house because there is any “murphing” (Stuffy L. talk). What I do miss is the snuggle boy lying right next to me or on top of my back while sleeping. All this to shall pass and we will say with laughter all the funny things he use to do…..but for now the heart knows broken grief.

onward to another daylight

15 Nov

I have learned quite recently that hearts do heal, crying does turn into smiles and pain lessens over time.  I had to put my Stuffy L. to sleep.  Chronic renal failure finally got the better of my boy so on Thursday, November 3 he took his last dreaded car ride to the vet.  He was so sick that he didnt even howl like all the times before.  He did though have the strength to hiss at the doctor when she came into the room…….

He was my constant companion for 18+ years.  He would sit on the table or right next to me while eating, sit under my computer chair, snuggle close while watching television, sitting under the light of the sewing machine “sunning” himself while I struggled to pass the fabric through and of course slept with me at night.  He would meet us at the door upon arriving home and he even was my alarm clock waking ME up at 4:18AM even though it was my husband who went to work that early.

He is missed more than anyone does know.  Stuffy L. was with us longer than my children stayed home.  He was with us almost longer than I knew both my parents.  It seems that he was always with us and now he literally will be.  Sometime soon the vet will call with the news that Stuffy L. will be coming home but this time not in a traditional cat carrier but in an urn.

You know what?  This morning November 15, I was woken at 4:18 AM.  Is this a sign from StuffyL. or just a night onward to another daylight?